Tranquility

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As the light fades away And those shadows will remain They stare all around you Just waiting for your move And your veins are open Numbness seeping through Helping you to forget This hopelessness inside you

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Layout: tues day night
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Tuesday, September 29, 2009 @ 11:07 PM

mebbe

"You're a nerd. Neeerrrd." I stopped my explanation of the failure of the Biosphere II experiment, and let myself hear the word: nerd. The word washed over me, but I clung to it. He called me a nerd.

Somewhere, amongst personal problems, stress and insecurity, I lost myself. I loved learning; I loved knowledge but somehow that identity escaped me. I had a hard time grasping the fact that I, could be intelligent. So from 8th to 10th grade, I felt a shell of my former. I might have still been smart...but I did not feel it. I wanted to be confident, completely secure and aware that I was intellectual being. I wanted a strong logic base, to be more than amazing at math and science, to have a deeper understanding of every piece of knowledge I came across. I wanted to be taken seriously, something that was not happening in both my peer group and my group of friends. To me, this was unattainable. But then Gaurav Kulkarni had to prove me wrong.

I met Gaurav in 10th grade, a time I was more lost than ever. We met at a debate team meeting, where I first heard him speak to a group. Clearly, from his speech he was an intelligent person. Not only that, but his confidence let others take him seriously. Over time, I came to realize his grasp of mathematical and scientific theory mocked that of many others. And his security with his self intrigued me. Then somehow, despite seeing only my self-doubt for a year, he even had the ability to see great potential in me. The most prominent memory comes from my Junior year. As the Chemistry AP course started to pick up its pace, I expressed to Gaurav my fears of its AP exam. Our teacher referred to it as the "hardest test you will ever take in your entire life". The "exam from hell". As I told Gaurav how scared I was, he cut me off. He wouldn't let me finish. He looked at me and said solidly, "You'll get a 5. I know that you'll get a 5 on this exam". I looked at him and did not believe him. I simply could not, not at that moment. Though as time wore on, I recalled the look he gave me when he said it. I remembered his tone of voice, the strength. Eventually, I believed him. Finally, the scores came. He did not miss his chance to say, "I told you so".

Gaurav is a steady pillar in my ocean of briny doubt. His confidence in me is infectious; I cannot help but feel it in me as time goes on. This is a slow process for me, but a steady one. His belief in me keeps proving itself; my well of potential is being put to use as he pushes me to lower the bucket and pull up the most that I can. Gaurav Kulkarni gave me the initial push I needed to rediscover myself. He is still here, to remind me if I ever forget: I am a nerd. He will tell me, like he did when I went on and on about Biosphere II. And me, I will smile and believe it.

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