Tranquility

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As the light fades away And those shadows will remain They stare all around you Just waiting for your move And your veins are open Numbness seeping through Helping you to forget This hopelessness inside you

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love. 0 comments 0 comments 0 comments mebbe 0 comments Gilded 0 comments test post 0 comments

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Layout: tues day night
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Monday, October 26, 2009 @ 8:17 PM

love.

i fell back on an island of emerald
torches of ruby reds oranges yellows
burned around and marked my
island my island
of green
ascending it dove
into sapphire oceans
and salt diamonds
caught my lips
i wanted to
kiss the silver ashes
because
it's kissed me
too.
chimney goodbyes
are probably the hardest
you want him in your hand
you want him in your hand.

but
irises burned in golden love
and i picked up a heart-shaped leaf.

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Thursday, October 8, 2009 @ 3:53 PM

If
Life Often Vanished Endlessly
You'd Open Up.

Pained Lives Even Affect Someone Else.

Best Effort
Hurts And Pretty Please, Yell.

Yesterday's Opal Understandings
Wished In Laughing Lips
Still Upon Raw Vitality, Indeed, Vicarious Eternity.

What it says:

I
Love
You.

Please.

Be
Happy.

You
Will
Survive.

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Thursday, October 1, 2009 @ 4:59 PM

You. Who the hell are you? You've been places, in windows, in mirrors. But who are you? You seem...interesting. Lost. Happy. Confused. Smart. Eager. Curious. Sad. That's only on the surface. Who are you? You love the sky. You love space, the infinite...in both mathematical and imaginative terms. You love to think, and know that if you lived back in ancient Greece, you would've either been one of the Great Thinkers...or perhaps a student of one. All too often, you catch yourself wondering what would happen if you ran out the door right now, into the wild, into the unknown. You have these moments where you see society as just an inhibitor and you want to rush free of those lines, much like Jonas from The Giver . You want to climb to the top of that hill and feel the edges of your box, to brush your fingertips against and wonder to yourself. You love your box. You love how it makes us all different, and you love how hard it makes life, because without the difficulties you feel life would not be so beautiful. But you want to break free as well. You want to feel a shock of crisp breeze on your face, not unlike the ones on a mild Spring day when you step outside in the year's first casual dress and flip-flops.
You believe. You realized that you've always believed in a "Beginner's Mind", but you never really knew it was called that. You try to live it, you try to be aware but as your days mush together you find it more difficult to stay open, free and aware. But when you do and when you see others around you believe in a Beginner's mind you can't help but feel so happy. When your personal vendettas don't get in the way (they often don't), you try and view people in an equal light, and are equally curious about them. You appreciate the mystery people bring.
You view the world positively, more positively than you tend to lead on. You may stress out about life, but in general you love it, even if you cannot love yourself. You love a lot about many things. But the one thing you do not love as much as you know you love others...is yourself, and you wish you could. This self-loathing, and self-distaste leads you to question life every single day, questioning why it is that you cannot simply tell yourself to change your mind. (It cannot be that simple...even if everyone says it is. If it was that simple, even you could do it). You often wonder how to reconcile this self-loathing with this love you feel for others, how to reconcile your soul. Because of this feeling, you often feel isolated from the beauty around you. There are moments, when you feel a part of this mess of life but they fade quickly, like water touched to desert-parched lips.
Deep inside, deep deep down inside you think that there might be some love saved for yourself. Very rarely that thought crosses your mind but when it does, it's one of THE BEST feelings in the world. You feel that mental wall breaking down, the words and evil thoughts that were seeping through are absent for a split-second and you feel...you feel incredible. It doesn't last. It makes you wonder if maybe that's your journey, to reach a point where you feel that very nearly everyday. It would be like your nirvana, your epiphany of sorts. It would definitely make your life a whole lot less complicated. Self-love. Pff. You need to figure out the self before you can love. Or do you?
You're the kind of person who will spend hours and hours thinking about something like a suicide/attempted suicide that happened to someone, who will cry over two friends who got into a fight that ended their friendship, even if you don't know them very well. And you'll somehow blame yourself, or wish and wish and wish to no end that you could've done something about it. You want to invite people into your mind where they can sit with you at a small round table (lush green grass, bright blue skies, purple leaves and yellow trees and sharp silver hovercars out the window) and you can tell them that you feel how they feel. You've bled too. So that kind of person, that's the kind of person you are. The compassionate kind of person. The person who wants to collect suffering in a jar and put it away if it's burdening the world, and you'll let it out if you think the world can grow from it. Generally, you don't want the world to feel sad. But you're okay with letting yourself feel that way.
You should let yourself in through that door in your mind. You should stop looking through the keyhole and just please, someday, let yourself in. You're shy, but you're bold and you should know that can do it. Join them. You should realize one day that you might fit in perfectly.

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Tuesday, September 29, 2009 @ 11:07 PM

mebbe

"You're a nerd. Neeerrrd." I stopped my explanation of the failure of the Biosphere II experiment, and let myself hear the word: nerd. The word washed over me, but I clung to it. He called me a nerd.

Somewhere, amongst personal problems, stress and insecurity, I lost myself. I loved learning; I loved knowledge but somehow that identity escaped me. I had a hard time grasping the fact that I, could be intelligent. So from 8th to 10th grade, I felt a shell of my former. I might have still been smart...but I did not feel it. I wanted to be confident, completely secure and aware that I was intellectual being. I wanted a strong logic base, to be more than amazing at math and science, to have a deeper understanding of every piece of knowledge I came across. I wanted to be taken seriously, something that was not happening in both my peer group and my group of friends. To me, this was unattainable. But then Gaurav Kulkarni had to prove me wrong.

I met Gaurav in 10th grade, a time I was more lost than ever. We met at a debate team meeting, where I first heard him speak to a group. Clearly, from his speech he was an intelligent person. Not only that, but his confidence let others take him seriously. Over time, I came to realize his grasp of mathematical and scientific theory mocked that of many others. And his security with his self intrigued me. Then somehow, despite seeing only my self-doubt for a year, he even had the ability to see great potential in me. The most prominent memory comes from my Junior year. As the Chemistry AP course started to pick up its pace, I expressed to Gaurav my fears of its AP exam. Our teacher referred to it as the "hardest test you will ever take in your entire life". The "exam from hell". As I told Gaurav how scared I was, he cut me off. He wouldn't let me finish. He looked at me and said solidly, "You'll get a 5. I know that you'll get a 5 on this exam". I looked at him and did not believe him. I simply could not, not at that moment. Though as time wore on, I recalled the look he gave me when he said it. I remembered his tone of voice, the strength. Eventually, I believed him. Finally, the scores came. He did not miss his chance to say, "I told you so".

Gaurav is a steady pillar in my ocean of briny doubt. His confidence in me is infectious; I cannot help but feel it in me as time goes on. This is a slow process for me, but a steady one. His belief in me keeps proving itself; my well of potential is being put to use as he pushes me to lower the bucket and pull up the most that I can. Gaurav Kulkarni gave me the initial push I needed to rediscover myself. He is still here, to remind me if I ever forget: I am a nerd. He will tell me, like he did when I went on and on about Biosphere II. And me, I will smile and believe it.

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Sunday, July 19, 2009 @ 12:10 AM

Gilded

maybe someday
after the seas melt your bones
and the thunder swings you into
that artificial light,

the rains will cease.